into the light ministry

STEPPING OUT OF THE BOAT in the name OF

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ROAD TRIP TO IBIZA

One day I was board and decided to drive to Ibiza, 3 up we left that same day, getting stopped and searched at the port customs found 5 grand in 20s and wanted to seize it, but we said it was for all three of us, carrying on we drove through France into Spain and Barcelona, at the port waiting for the ferry to Ibiza we was hungry, having no Euros and only this wedge of 20s we couldn’t get any food, I pulled out the 20s waving them around like a fool asking the restaurant if they would accept them, they weren’t impressed and we was left sat there starving. we got on the ferry across to Ibiza, the ferry was a rough ride and people were being sick everywhere, the ferry man took the English money and I ordered a pizza, it looked like it was topped off with sick! It was gross. Arriving in Ibiza we didn’t realise the party island was closed! We expected it to be packed but the shutters were all down and it looked like a ghost town. It was April and things didn’t get started until May-June. The first night we was driving around looking for signs of life, the island was in darkness, even the road side lights were off, then in the distance I noticed a bar lights flashing, it looked like the club out of the movie “from dusk till dawn” a scary looking place right in the middle of nowhere, pulling up out the front like I always did, they had to see my bad ass car! I was a show off, the door man was a lump off a man with a eye patch and a leather waist coat, I got out and did some talking, he agreed to let us in, my two mates were too scared to get out the car but I walked in alone and they soon followed. There was Woman everywhere, it was a brothel! I didn’t realise until I was in, finding myself surrounded by woman I made it clear I’m wasn’t there for sex and got them a few drinks to cover the cost of their time and not to look a total fool, I’m not into brasses, I like the chase and paying for sex

turned me off, my mate from school stood next to me as I chatted to the girls in broken English, the next thing I see was him holding up his wedding finger in front of his face like holding up a cross to keep a vampire away! It was hysterical. “I’m married I’m married” he said, but the girls found it funny and carried on moving towards him so he had to show them his wedding ring, haha. My other friend weren’t so shy and soon disappeared up stairs with a girl! He was a kid in a candy shop and took full advantage of the sweets on offer. My married mate soon felt the pressure was too great and went to sit in the car, I sat in the bear garden and paid some girls to go and give him a lap dance, laughing to myself I waited for them to come back and tell me what happened, then I heard the car start up and roar off into the distance, I ran outside to find my mate snaking it up the road, I called him back, and the girls went back inside, he came back explaining that the girls had gotten into the car with him and tried giving him a lap dance, he kicked them out and they started to strip off on the car bonnet and that’s when he drove off, he said they was damaging the car, haha.

Leaving that place we went and found the only other open place on the island, a casino. This is where we spent the next 5 days. The first day we was treated as normal having to pay for drinks ect, but after my mate had lost a few grand on the wheel, they soon started to treat us nicer and would bring us drinks and food for free, it was a top class casino built into a hotel and the food was great, me and John (the married one) didn’t mind rocky loosing his money as we was reaping the rewards, on the third day rocky was out of money, I still had the 5 grand in the car and gave it to him so he could carry on gambling, he lost 3 grand of it. Me and john played poker and I won 500 Euros every day we was there, I’m not a gambling man and it don’t interest me, I didn’t play to win, I was just enjoying the food and entertainment but I won anyway. Rocky was now wounded over his lose but I wasn’t in a rush to get the money back so things were cool. We bought a pineapple and called it Winston from the film “cast away” it came everywhere with us and got covered in cocaine during its time with us.

One night I pulled over at a bank to top up my phone using the atm, coming out I noticed the police around the car, I had parked in a no parking zone and these police wanted blood, john was trying to speak to them and they didn’t understand him, when he see me he swore at me saying id got them into trouble, the policeman thought he had swore at him and drew his gun! Fuuk you fuuk you he said! Hands on the roof of the car we searched and finding nothing given a right good talking too and left to carry on our way.

On the drive back through France we was filming the Speedo to see how fast we could get out of the M5, I’ve still got the film, 190mph in 6th gear, with one more gear to go. Flying down the road I noticed a blue police Subaru sat on the side of the road, it see us fly past and tried to catch up, I remember looking in my rear view mirror and seeing it snake on the gravel as he tried to get traction to get onto the road to catch up, figuring the top speed of the Scooby to be around 160mph I thought I could outrun them and carried on cruising at 170-180mph I left the scooby well behind, then a few miles later we hit a road block! It was a toll booth and lined with France police cars! Like a scene out of “Smokey and the bandit” one of my favourite films, pulling over to pay the toll the police came over, a sergeant with a big caterpillar on his top lip stood there shaking his head and made us hand over our passports and took the keys of the car, John was moaning again saying I was going to get them all nicked. 5 mins later the scubby pulled up, the police inside got out and came over holding a speed trap gun, 176mph was still on the screen. Thinking I was now going to be hung and quartered I started chatting the police up, however all they wanted to do was look under the bonnet and admire the car! The police were excited how fast I had past them, making gestures with their hands like a rocket they laughed and patted me on the back, i ask if i could hold his pistol, it was a new Glock, he took the mag out and let me have a hold, I paid a 80 euro fine in cash and was left to carry on.

Getting to the port at Calais John had had enough of the near missies and just wanted to get home, going through customs we was told to park in bay1, the car was ripped apart, having not a lot of money on me for them to take I wasn’t bothered, they swabbed the car for traces of cocaine it came up positive, now they upped the search and got the snake cameras out, they searched everywhere, even inside the engine. Wilson the pineapple tested positive for coke too and was taken away never to be seen again, I was told he was x-rayed and cut in half! Now the attention was on us and I couldn’t resist winding John up. I told the customs officers he had coke up his bum! We was all taken for a strip search, john not happy at all by now went first, I was laughing as I kept shouting he needs to be x-rayed he’s got a kilo inside him, I told john to own up or we would all get nicked! Haha. the search was negative and an hour later after running some detailed checks on us we was allowed to carry on our journey.

The buzzers all rang on the flats, the man down stairs buzzing them telling the owner of a black range rover to come down as it had been broken into. I drove a black range Rover Vogue and my upstairs drove a land rover free Lander, as I wasn’t home he ran done down the stairs and got shot in the face! The police never caught the gunman and we don’t know who the target was.