into the light ministry

STEPPING OUT OF THE BOAT in the name OF

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Chapter 6

EARLY YEARS CHILDHOOD DESTRUCTION

I made so many mistakes throughout my life, I believed my way of thinking was due to my childhood and lack of direction,

Only now do I fully understand the effects an absent father and the lack of a role model can have on a Childs life, I can’t stress enough the importance of a structured childhood in the raising of a child, but the missing role model of father is what causes the most damage to a boy, I can’t say that everyone that has both parents turn out great because that’s simply not true, and the same can’t be said for children with no role models all turning out bad, but I’m talking about my life and I can assure you 100% that the lack of a father figure and the feeling of rejection and abandonment is what caused me to turn out bad.

Standing there Staring out the window. my mother had had several failed relationships, By About 4 years old my earliest memories were of my older brother Paul, we lived alone with our mum. our Mum married Pauls father and that’s how I got the surname of Long, my real fathers name is Smith, I haven’t even got a proper surname that belongs to me now that my mum was separated from Pauls father. Pauls father Ginger was down as my father on my birth certificate and I was named after him, even though he knew he was not my father as he was in jail at the time I was conceived and it was his best mate Henry Smith that was “looking father” his wife that fathered me. Complex!

Standing at the window watching Ginger Pauls dad pick Paul Up, brings tears to my eyes as a write this, the feeling of not being wanted was beginning to take route. “Mum where’s my dad?” I would ask. From as early age as 4 I knew my dad couldn’t see me as he had a wife and other children and because I was the result of an affair I had to be kept quiet, even though my real dad and his wife and children and the whole world knew! But here I was a result of an affair, not wanted by my dad, my mum doing her best to raise me. Feeling along and rejected and reminded every time Pauls dad picked him up that my own dad didn’t want me. The only men I had an experience of in my young life didn’t show me any love, one of them tried killing my mum leaving her in hospital, broken nose cut to pieces, the house flooded and smashed up, this man was evil, another man I can remember was one-armed Bob, he was ok but he put my face in my breakfast cereal because I cried, so I didn’t get any love from him. My granddad pap Joe, all I can remember of him was being told off by him and hiding behind the sofa, so my memories up till aged 4 were not great.

About 6 my Uncle Steve hung me off the side of the bridge and took me to scary places, my aunties pushed me round in shopping trolleys, I can’t remember much more.

Then we moved to a new house in coley park reading, this is when my mum met the best man that has even came into our life’s, Mick, he sat in the chair in the living room, I sat over the other side of the room looking at him, he was a athletic man, a scafholder, up till now my experience of men was one of fear and this made me cautious, and sadly I didn’t give Mick the chance to get close to me, he tried so hard, I can remember he drew big cartoon characters on bedroom wall and bought us bikes and presents for Christmas, but by now the guard was up I was damaged to deep to have a relationship with him.

Then my sister Kimberly arrived, 1984 I ran round to my mum’s friends house Fays to tell her my mum’s waters had broke, I can remember running as fast as I could using the bladed hand to cut through the air, it’s strange what you can remember, Kimberly came and everyone one happy. But my problems had just started to manifest, school time came and I didn’t want to go, I would walk out in the middle of class, fight with the teachers, and steal from everyone including the school, I was damaged! Could the lack of a fathers love and attention really do this to a boy?

With my new baby sister Kimberley here, everyone was happy Paul had his dad, Kim hers, my Mum had Mick. I had to share my mum with everyone..

Stories of my real dad would be talked about by my Mum and Nan and I would listen in, Big Henry Smith the Gypsy..People would talk about him like his was a movie star! It felt like I had a famous dad and I had to keep him a secrete to help him, my part in that role began, I was the secrete love child of a movie star. The fantasy started and I felt like I was playing the part in a film. People and family members would come round to look at me, I was a child celebrity, so it seemed, the gossip was thick in the air and I was the centre of it. This is so hard to write about and brings sadness to my heart as I recall the thoughts that were in my young mind, feelings of abandonment flood my mind even now as I write this I feel a chill of self pity shiver through me.

My early years were spent in a fantasy world living in-between two worlds, the world I lived in was at home not feeling fully complete, and the other was the world I had created inside my head, the world my dad and his other children lived in. Listening to Stories about my brothers and sister on a regular basis helped to fill in the gaps making my fantasy more real. My older brother also called Michael was a bare knuckle fighter, his name around the area was one of fear and power, I would regularly bump into people that knew who I was the son of, and they would show me respect, as a child I stole and made a nuisance of myself but because of who I was I was never punished by the people I stole off, my other brother Henry was a country and Western singer, and my sister Pearl, the fantasy lived on inside my head, I had a sense that no one could tell me what to do as I was a somebody, I was a travellers son! My dad had a feared reputation and that rubbed off on me all in the wrong way. How weird it was to be living this double life, my family all knew my dad’s family, but I never got to see him, I was hidden away at the fear of upsetting my dad, a fear well justified as my Uncle Perry learnt the hard way...

Perry my Mums brother took me to see my dad for the first times aged about 6, I can remember his scrap yard, the coffee machine on the office wall, the dust in the yard, a big man holding out his hands clench in a fist to me and my brother Paul, my brother picked the hand with the larger amount in! I remember saying that it was MY DAD and I should have got the extra money! I think it was 30p vs 50p. What I didn’t see that day was my dad’s wife Sheila beating Perry up for fetching me to the yard! With a black eye Perry Dropped me home never to return to the yard. That was the only time I see my dad until I was in my 20s. But his absence had subconsciously had a big effect on me, an effect which lasted until God healed and restored me.