into the light ministry

STEPPING OUT OF THE BOAT in the name OF

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MY JOURNEY WITH GOD

The strange thing about my life of crime is that I’ve always believed in God, ever since the age of about 6, I’ve always had a sense God was with me. Praying was natural to me, ever since I can remember I’ve always prayed and spoken to God. So to me it seems hard to understand why I lived a life of crime, doing the things I knew God was against, that’s when understanding God comes into it, my entire life has been a journey into getting to know God. My belief and search for God made me a target for the enemy and it has been a life of tug of war.

I thought I was a Christian, but What is a Christian? I believed in Jesus but still stole, cheated, robbed, conned and lied. Did I really believe in God and Jesus?. Was I a Christian? At what point did I become saved? I believed I was a sinner, I lived in sin so that was easy to believe, I believed I needed a saviour and I prayed everyday for God to help me to grow up in spiritual maturity so I could escape the forces driving me into crime. I knew I needed help and I asked for it regularly, I cried out to God for answers.

But God doesn’t always answer the way we expect and For years God allowed me to grow and discover him at my own pace, or at his pace? He always showed me immense love, mercy guidance

and forgiveness along the way. Even though I hate prison, I know that Every time I ended up back in Jail it was our

loving father correcting me, how else could he get me to listen? I can now see that God has had his hand on my life from the beginning and he isn’t going to let me go, even if it meant allowing me to be put in prison over and over again until I finally found the wisdom, maturity and understanding he wanted me to have, i needed wisdom so I was able to see I was being lead astray and lied to by the enemy, this knowledge enabled me to fight the forces that were so strongly pulling me back into crime every time I was released, temptation was always there, it used rejected to fuel me into crime, like a roaring lion it prowled around ready to devour me if I would allow it, and 9 times out of 10 I couldn’t fight it, the hate I had for society for rejecting me was too great. It was all too easy to fall back into the old gangs open arms every time I felt the slightest bit of rejection!

It wasn’t the money I longed for or chased, it was the sense of belonging, and the gang gave me that, I found a sense of love and fellowship from the criminal underworld that is hard to explain, I now know that close families and Christians, even Muslims have this sense of love and belonging, and that is why lots of gangs and religious gangs exist in today’s society including prisons.

Society are putting up barriers still, the class system is not just lower, middle, upper, anymore, sadly even some churches I’ve tried to find fellowship in suffer from some type of snobbery. To anyone that feels rejected, black, white, gyspy, this can cause damage and help to create underworld societies.

My relationship with God was quite unique, to me God was a father, a higher power in the heavens, my only experience of a earthly father was of an absent one, I didn’t know how to respond to a father, so when I thought God was ignoring me (rejecting) I carried on doing what I was doing, e.g. the crime.

The only way God could reach out to me was to allow me to get locked up, this became a repetitive cycle. I would ask God for money and things that were not of his will, because of my failure to understand how God worked I see his ignoring me as a rejection and a excuse, a kind of “go ahead commit the crime”, if I was out of money and God didn’t provide I thought it was ok to steal?!? For years I lived in this confused state, only Gods wisdom and knowledge could save me from repeating this pattern, gradually I started to understand Gods will is not always our will, I would spit my dummy out if God didn’t provide the things I expected my earthly father to provide, God was the only father I knew and I expected him to do no less than manifest himself in the form of a man and to be my earthly father. I wanted God to teach me, hold me, hug me, and to provide for me. I wanted God for myself, I wanted to feel the Love. I wanted Jesus to be appear to me in the flesh. I wanted to be accepted.

Every time I ended up locked in a cell I would call out to my father, I would wonder why he would let me get caught and locked up again, my thinking would be; if he didn’t want me in jail he should provide the money I need to live the lifestyle I had created to fill the emptiness in my life caused by rejection, after all it wasn’t my fault .

But i soon learnt God doesn’t work like that. I would argue with God, I had legal businesses and God could bless them? The answers came, the same answer every time, Why would God allow my legitimate business to succeed when I was spending the money on drugs and woman and not according to his will? I was too immature for money. So gradually my businesses would start to fail, over the years I have had a lot of businesses, at the start they went well, but I would mix them with criminal activity and then they would wither and die.

When God would not bless me financially I acted like a spoilt child. Again and again God would have to take his child back to a quiet place to try and get through to him, here I was again alone in the cell with only God to talk to, this was Gods way and he had me where he wanted me, in his presence. God is so patient and I can see his love and mercy all over my life, the patience he showed me was one of a personal relationship that of a loving father, God was in my life! God loved me! God loves me! He really does love me! Finally it started getting through all the lies.

The powerful force we call God, our Lord and saviour Jesus, the creator of everything we can and can’t see loves me enough that he nurtured me, corrected me, taught me, protected and loved me all whilst I was sinning and committing evil acts. He loves you the same too, I wasn’t fatherless, I did have a father I just couldn’t see him.

And i now so deeply regret The times I must have broken our father’s heart, do you realise our loving father is having his heart broken every second by someone, but he loves us still, he sees everything, all the evil we do as humans, fighting, hurting, killing, our father is crying over his children, when I really think about that and let it sink in I never want my father to be sad over something I have done ever again. If only I could get through to myself all them years ago, the spiritually blind, the lost souls. But how do you tell someone they are breaking Gods heart? How do you tell someone that don’t believe in God they are loved by him? I don’t know the answers but I’m praying for a way....

DARK FORCES?

I’ve told you a bit about my life so you can see how lost and bad I was, and so you can see how knowing Jesus has transformed my life.

I always wondered why it was so hard to stay free from crime, to you this maybe drug addiction or the bottle, or both. Or even organised crime. all my life I had tried so hard to be straight, although reading my story so far doesn’t give that impression, but I did try hard. I just never had the strength, it was as if I was being controlled by a dark force. How can a boy of 6 think and plan a day out stealing? I would catch the bus to town and spend the day shop lifting, I stole silly things like pens and stationery, I can remember the sense of worth the items gave me having stashed them under my bed, the worth knowing I had something I couldn’t afford filled my body, looking back I now know I did these things to make myself feel worth something. But I was living with my Mum and she loved me, but she couldn’t fill the gap of my absent father, I was the result of an affair, the result of sin, from conception satan had his eye on me! and so the stealing and self gratification continued.

It felt like a curse, I would sit in school and get so frustrated id end up throwing the books across the room and walking out..

This behaviour has never left me and I couldn’t control it on my own. I called out to God many times to help me change, and over the years I can see his hand upon my life.

THERE IS A WAY OUT

There is a way out, but it’s not easy, whether you’re hooked on drugs, drink, crime, porn, gambling, violence, or a player in organised crime. Whatever your doing that is destroying your life you can find a way to beat it. What us caught criminals know and understand, and the government don’t, is that getting out of the life we have found ourselves in is harder than they could imagine. It’s easy for anyone that isn’t a criminal to look down at crims and feel hate for them, even I look at people that rob old ladies and feel anger, but my anger is towards the enemy not the person. I’m going to get deep now and talk about dark forces. But before I do I want to share a story, A top judge sat in church next to convicted criminal, they both worshipped God, singing and praying together, later that day the judge was talking to the vicar and had a heavy feeling on his heart, telling the vicar that for years he had sent people to jail, only to realise he was not perfect himself, and in Gods eyes he was the same as the criminals he sent to prison. This tells us that we are all the same in Gods eyes, and we better wake up and realise God is the real power in this universe.

This world is being overrun by evil, simple, and the enemies demons are everywhere trying to destroy what God created, he hates humans because we were made in God’s image and God loves us. And what better way to get back at God than to make his beloved children turn bad, and even worse to convince us that God doesn’t even exist!.

You might be thinking I’m going off the rails now and I’ve gone all fluffy and turned into a bible basher. But I’m not, I’m still the same man as before, I still get tempted by the same things, im still flesh and blood And without the help of Jesus I would be back to my old life in a second! Not because I like going back to jail but because the lust of the flesh is too strong for me to resist on my own. Let’s think about it for a second...I absolutely loved the life I had, money, drugs, woman, power! But God was there reminding me of an emptiness that all these things couldn’t fill, (do you have everything but are still depressed?) I know I’ve spoken about being depressed whilst in Spain surrounded by all that stuff but the depression was a deeper mourning for the old life, I was in mourning for the life I was letting go of, once I asked Jesus into my heart the change started, I was in-between life’s. I say I was depressed in Spain, ok so I’m laid there depressed... being a Christian is not easy! I was depressed because I couldn’t now go and snort a line of coke. I couldn’t make the call to get £1000s dropped off, I couldn’t satisfy my hunger with a new car, watch, clothes, whatever. Why? Because Jesus was in my life now and he weren’t going to let me go! Oh how I used to satisfy the flesh’s desires, the craving of the flesh is a hard one to beat! And many top men of God struggle with it, the enemy uses our weaknesses against us, and even the best men full-of-God can fall! So if people full-of-God can be taken down by temptation, people that don’t have God stand little chance? But there is no God or devil you say? If that’s true why have I changed? How can i now resist the temptation to womanise, sniff coke, rob people, fill my home up with flashy stuff? Why? Why I don’t I want to do all these things!? I loved all the stuff I had from crime! There are things I can’t write about but I can only hint, I was a serial cheat, never have I ever been faithful to any woman in my life! Never! I was a playboy, so why don’t I want to cheat on Siana? Explain to me why I have changed if there is no God helping me? Why do I love people now and cry at the things I’ve done that caused people to suffer? Why don’t I hunger for big lumps of sexy cash, suitcases full of the stuff! Why don’t I want it now? How is it that I can show love and forgiveness to people that disrespect me? Its hard but I do it, satan is always there whispering in my ear! I can’t tell you enough how wild I was in my past! I carried a gun around and wanted someone to disrespect me so I could shot them! Now I want to shake their hand and tell them they are loved by God?! Did I bang my head? What is the burning feeling I have in my belly that wants to cry out to God for the world and the lost people? I don’t value money, goods, cars, or sex anymore, I used to only wear designer gear, now I’ll wear a primark t-shirt and not feel shame! Money, cars, clothes don’t make a man, and when you find your true self and Jesus, your realise that.

Do you want to be set free? Free to feel and think your own thoughts?

You too can have this freedom, God loves you and wants to restore back to your life what you have lost.

whether you’re a banker with millions or a tramp on the street, unless you’ve got Jesus your satans puppet, I can tell you now that there are high profile people addicted to porn, gambling, money, all types of weird sex, and cheating on their partners! Just like junkies are to smack, the difference with a drug addict is you can see his demon. every single person alive has a problem with something, and that “something” is making you a prisoner in your own mind. You go home at night and kiss your kids goodnight knowing you have been with a prostitute! You lie and cheat on your partner, you love money so much you rob off anyone you can including the most venerable old aged people with dementia! You call yourself a man? You’re a puppet and satan has you under his control. Let me say it again, every single person that does not have Jesus is a puppet to the enemy! You are all being played, I used to describe it as choosing to suck satan off every day I was living under his power, are you really in control of your own life? Or is something else controlling you?

And for the people that don’t have issues, sometimes the devil allows you to go through life without problems so you’ll never feel the need to call out to God, these are the rich, the celebrities, they may look like they have everything but they are empty and void without Jesus, their money and careers have become their God, and I pray every day for them to wake up! Just watch mainstream TV for a day and you see God is nowhere! The only programmes your see are about religious nuts, using the name of Jesus for evil, like bashing gays etc.

So is there a God? The big brains are starting to admit they can’t see how the universe was created without such a force as “God”

God says only the fool will look around and say there is no God. Are you a fool? Or have you not had anything go wrong in your life yet to prompt you to call on God? Why wait till you have cancer? How sad is it that people only call on God in times of need? It’s not their fault though, the enemy is cunning and puts a lot of effort into making sure people are blinded to the truth. His greatest trick was to convince the world he didn’t exist!

God loves everyone of us, gay, junkies, thief’s, whatever you have got involved in, he loves you, and the best thing is, he don’t ask you to change before you come to him, he wants you dirty just as

you are. You don’t have to change to ask God into your life, and don’t ever be lead to think you have too.

Jesus will help you become the person you were created to be, as I’ve briefly said, you can’t beat the temptations of this world on your own, don’t even bother trying! God created us to love one another and to love him, and by calling out to him will be the greatest achievement you will ever make in your life, eternal life with the creator of this amazing universe is just a call away!, are you going to reach out to the power of God and find out what your real propose is? You weren’t created to be addicted to drugs, to spend years in jail, to die with a needle in your arm, or to make millions at the cost of others, to live in a loveless relationship with a partner you feel nothing for, God has a plan for your life.....it’s yours for the taking..